Today the Conqueror wanted to meet for coffee. I agreed feeling strong after over three weeks apart. He has been the one messaging me everyday, seemingly yearning for me. He’s been reading my blog. He is pleased I used two of his photos. He made it clear he wanted to take more …

Seeing him again was like an ice shard through my heart. It was a reminder of what I don’t have and I desperately desperately want. A man to devour me completely. A dominant to possess my body and soul. As we left and went in our separate directions I wanted him to run after me, push me up against my car, and thrust his tongue deep into my mouth until my knees buckled and my insides melted. I wanted to be owned.

He wants to take more erotic photographs of me. He’s started to write his own blog and he wants the images to use too. I told him he had to understand that if I consented it would be photographs only and no fucking. I like the idea of the photographs. I like the idea of my blog having that authenticity. I’m not just writing BDSM fantasy here. I am living it with all its complexities. And it is complex because it is not only my body that I surrender in that moment; but my mind and heart too. The Conqueror sees my body full of urges and my mind full of passion. He doesn’t seem to see my heart full of love.

Because I do love him. He’s not my fairytale Prince Charming but buried deep inside the Conqueror there is a man who could have been had he been strong enough (just like The Hunter before him). I see this man very scarcely but I know he is there. He is caged. A man in chains. And it hurts my heart to search and search for him in the Conqueror’s eyes and not find him there. To not see even a trace. He wants to bury him. He needs to bury him to survive the life he has chosen for himself. But as I write with tears falling freely down my face I hope that he will know I see him and find strength to one day show himself.

A strong woman needs an even stronger man. As the strong men around me fall, I’m starting to fear I am the strongest of all …

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