The Conqueror and I have not had sex for 2 months and not seen each other since the middle of September. We still message each other but times of no messages have started to last longer and longer. Days rather than hours. This is the final come-down. He has had me in a deep sub space committed to him and his pleasure and slowly I am working my way out.

And of course he’s doing the same from his side which is where the issue lies. Like a selfish whore, I want him to hold me while I come down. To accept that it is part of his responsibility to ensure I am safe both during and after our relationship. And for him, indifference to me is the only tool he has left. He thinks I will never be his whore again. Ignoring the feelings he has for me is the way he knows to cope. I think if we are meant to be together then we will find a way back. Our connection is still there. And so his indifference hurts.

Despite my hurt, I completely understand why he needs to use indifference to cope. His love for me is more intense than mine for him. Firstly because I move faster than him in processing emotion but fundamentally he never presented the same possibility for me as I to him. He is married. I am not. I am an opportunity missed for him. He never was that same opportunity to me.

We will be meeting up for work in a week’s time. I am preparing myself for the ice cold I know he can give all too easily. The freeze of his indifference is breaking the chain connecting us which is what I want. And I know what to do to keep myself safe from the cold because I have done it before. Just once though I wanted to do it warmly. With a man who in the come-down shows the same kindness to me as the come-on. But as I write I see the irony in my naive wish. Because from that man I will never come-down.

That man is my Wolf.

Advertisements