Indulge me while I make this little chart. It’s not a comparison so much as a method of understanding why I get these feelings of dissatisfaction when I am with a partner. I am my body, mind, and heart. If either one is neglected, it doesn’t matter how well the others are satisfied, I will feel imbalanced and incomplete. Which often leads me to start searching elsewhere to make me feel whole again.
We all see the trend. Since my divorce, I have been neglecting my heart. The BDSM connections I have built have focused on satisfying my physical and mental demands at the expense of my emotional needs. I have done that in the way I have created the connections. The wooing requires cleverness. The sex, physicality.
The problem with New Man is that he touches all three but commands my body and mind to a much lesser extent than I have become accustomed to. Which leaves me feeling dissatisfied and that something is lacking. I am not whole even though he touches all three and gives to me his all three too. It feels diluted. The question is can he learn to help make me whole? Does he have the capacity and the ability and the desire to learn? We argued last night about the same thing we have argued about before. And I have already told him how to deal with me on such occasions. Yet in those moments he has forgotten. I am making it sound very selfish but please be aware while this is going on I am learning about him too. As a child growing up as the only boy amongst girls everything was clearly always his fault. And that has left its scars. He is very quick to anger but now I find him easy to bring down because I learnt what to say. Or more how to say it.
I have scars too. Like healing wounds they can bleed again when you poke at them. Unintentionally he pokes and then seems surprised when I bleed. He then gets angry as he feels helpless and unable to heal me. And I can’t soothe his anger when I am bleeding. So I do what I do best: retreat alone to lick my wounds and heal myself. But I have shown him how to help me heal. And now I need him to show me he can at least pick up those tools even if he doesn’t yet know how to use them. I need him to help make me whole …