“So what happens now?
Another suitcase in another hall
So what happens now?
Take your picture off another wall
Where am I going to?
You’ll get by, you always have before
Where am I going to?”
The song is from Evita and I have always liked it. It’s haunting.I was reminded of it today collecting my things from the Tyrannosaur’s flat. Like Eva Peron, I don’t expect my love affairs to last for long. Yet it still hurts when they end.
This time I learnt something very important. I learnt how to recognise what I am looking for. I want a man whose love for me is stronger than his desire for self-preservation. Just as mine is for him. Every time he cuffs my wrists or secures the spreader bar between my ankles; I am showing him I care more for him and his desire to control my body than I am for my own preservation. I am placing my safety in his hands. I want a man who will do the same and place his heart in my hands. He will show me he cares more for me and my desire to control his heart than for his own preservation. He will trust me to care for him as I trust him to care for me. Only then will the exchange be an equal one in my eyes.
“The sex was awesome,” the Tyrannosaur said in his parting remarks. Of course it was. But he was only willing to give half his heart in return. He took all my body and used it and controlled it and consumed it. In return I got pieces of his heart, more than I have had from any man before, but still it was not enough. He would take his heart back when he chose. Often when I needed it the most. And yet he would always expect my body to be open for him. “You have set the bar too fucking high,” was his other comment, “no one will ever meet it again.” I partly agree. It will be easy for him to find a woman willing to accept half his heart and give half her body in return. But will he yearn for more as I do? Because now he will know when he has half and not a whole. I have never had a whole heart but I know how to recognise half measures and half measures will not satisfy me.
And so my quest continues …
“You’ll get by, you always have before
Where am I going to?
Don’t ask anymore”