I watched my first porn film when I was 18. It had a terrible plot line involving a handyman who came to a woman’s house and fucked her senseless. This was the early 90s. I watched it with the First Lover and we had great sex before, during, and after.

When I was a bit older I watched some more. Girl on girl. Schoolgirl goes to rich man’s house and gets fucked. Supermarket sex. None of it really got me going.

Now I’m in a drought. A little scared and unsure of my next move. A little vulnerable. So how to satisfy my whore desire whilst keeping my tender heart safe.

Porn. Porn is the answer. Twice since the weekend I have watched short videos on PornHub by Sex & Submission and then stuck a plug in my arse, clamps on my nipples, and rubbed my clit furiously until I come hard. Once, twice, even three times. I am the girl in the videos. I close my eyes and I am there.

It’s not a replacement. You don’t get the cuddle afterwards. The warm body sleeping next to you. The gentle kisses and strokes. You don’t get the spanking. The choking. The feeling of total submission.

But it keeps my inner whore happy and my mind full of new material for my own dark fantasies. Until I feel safe and ready again …

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